Post-Cowboy Coitus

Below is a recent email that Alan sent to a male actor about his apprehensions of engaging in some of the film's more sexual scenes. The movie was centered around two cowboys and their passionate love affair.

Jake

I hope you received the issues of "American Bear" that I sent. They were some of Robin's favorites while he was developing the character of Armand Goldman for "The Birdcage" and did he ever nail that role. It was his own personal tribute to all the Jewish middle-age gay club owners of South Miami Beach, and he will forever remain legend in our cinematic hearts. But enough about gays of the past, we need to remain focused on the gays of the future. I understand your apprehensions about moving forward with more sex scenes, but tough luck Jakie we have spent way too much time and money for you to "fag" out. And don't give me any of this shit that you are in too deep now. I understand after all the time you and Heath have been spending together that you are becoming more in touch with your homosexual side. I'm sure the long weeks of gay sex training didn't help, but what else were we to do when you were "all thumbs" engaging in your first blow job scene. We almost had to push shooting back a month to guarantee a healthy believable libido out of Heath after you almost tore his cock off. It's fine now though because we are passed the point of no return, and all we need out of you is the best Jake has to offer at being gay. The polls are in, and this year all the academy wants is "GAY". In 2001 it was black, and this year it is gay so let's get ourselves an Oscar. I know this is overwhelming now, but you must listen to me. Put aside all feelings and thoughts of how events are going to play out after shooting ends, and go out there and love that dick. But don't be too fruity about it because remember you are a rough and tough queer so battle for top as much as you can. If you are at a loss for motivation, play with yourself to "American Bear: Flannel Edition" while thinking Travolta and you will be right back on track. Also, the producers and I have put together a little vacation package for you and Heath when shooting ends. We've talked to Clooney and Lake Como is open that week, and we all know that that place is a "fuck and suck" haven so for now focus on the role and think Oscar. Oscar is very phallic so use him as a tool. When you think of Heath's rock hard cock think of it as a golden little metal man that is going to send you shooting to the top of that man-milk mountain called A-List. Now go get that cock.

A. S.

Last Chance to Turn Back

Welcome to the home of the inspiring words and wisdom of Alan Smithee: Hollywood Superstar. If you haven't heard of him you are a nobody, and you will never make it in this business because it's his; he owns it. He has done everything and everyone who there is to do in Tinseltown, so if you want to be a success, take notes. I am his personal assistant, Gregg, and will be updating his blog frequently with excerpts from journals, scripts, memos, emails, and pretty much anything else that he deems blog-worthy. I also want to set a disclaimer. This blog may not be for everyone. It is brutally honest of the business, and sometimes Alan comes off harsh but that is just how you have to be if you want to make it. This blog will contain many secrets of the industry that people do not want you to know, but Alan says "Fuck it", the truth will be revealed. Names will not be changed and careers will not be kept in mind. This is your in. Enjoy.